Emotional Abuse Counseling, Therapy and Coaching

Emotional abuse is defined as “Any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of fear, obligation or guilt” by FOG (2013).
First let’s differentiate normal angry reactions from emotional abuse. When a friend or partner becomes genuinely angry at us for something we have purposefully or inadvertently done that has hurt them, their anger alone cannot be considered emotional abuse. When a boss becomes upset at our lack of performance on an important project, it is generally not considered emotional abuse when our boss becomes upset with us for missing the deadline. Even if a spouse blows up at us very occasionally when they feel misunderstood, we think twice before labeling their behavior as in any way abusive.
Clean, non-blaming anger is a normal part of life and relationships. When used well, it gives us a message about the fact that something is wrong with either ourselves or another that needs to be addressed constructively.
One of the saddest things about emotional abuse is how hidden, insidious and difficult it can be to even identify it. Too often, emotionally abused (EA) persons know only that they feel frightened of, anxious around or perpetually confused by their emotional abuser – living in a constant state of fight-flight or freeze emotionally. Many EA persons go for years not understanding why: 1.) They can never seem to please the other person, 2.) Why the other person is so angry or what exactly they are angry about, 3.) Why nothing they have tried has made any difference in how the other person negatively reacts to them.
Emotional abuse carries with it a feeling of walking on eggshells around another person and trying to second-guess what you can and cannot say so they will not be ‘set off’. It leaves its target person trying to determine how they can say something differently, maybe softer or less emotionally so it does not upset the other person. At times it just means that you hold your tongue and keep any observations, needs or desires strictly to yourself to keep the peace. It is exhausting, frustrating, immensely confusing, emotionally painful and it drains all peace, energy, hope and trust.
The victim of the EA often wonders what happened in a conversation they thought was harmless. They search their words, search the past minutes or hours to see if they said or did something offensive. They may spend untold amounts of time deciding how best to approach the other person when they have a request. The results of EA range from depression, anxiety, intense feelings of shame, fearfulness, low self-esteem, nervousness or feeling of jumpiness, feelings of isolation and hopelessness.
What is important to realize is that while not all anger is emotional abuse, emotional abuse is a serious, debilitating and dangerous situation. It always precedes physical abuse, but importantly, it does not always lead to physical abuse. It is most common to hear of emotionally abused female partners or children because it is power used against the less powerful within a society or family system.
Emotional abuse takes different forms from passive-aggressiveness to neglect, emotional blackmail, domination, verbal assaults, sarcasm or put-downs to physical intimidation, abusive expectations or demands, denying, exploiting or blaming. The EA abuser has intent in his or her abusive to control, manipulate, humiliate, blame or coerce the other person.